one thing leads to another.

i think a lot about friendships. i wonder why i cycle through them so much. i wonder if it's me, or them, or just circumstances. i wonder if, because i moved so much as a child i'm just used to it--that i just get bored and need a change of scenery or something. or what about those people i would love to be friends with they just don't seem interested in being friends with me? circles seem to fluctuate so much, new people come, new and old people disappear and there rarely seems to be any backlash. it's just how it is, i guess, but is that how it should be or has to be or is supposed to be?

i was talking today with kimberly about "urban groups," you know, these groups of friends that just magically come together and seem to be inseparable for years at a time. i always wanted one of them. at this point i've given up hope on developing my own so i'm doing to the choice of having no group or being assimilated into one. i would consider our age group at trinity a form of urban group but really we're like this 18-35 year old spread of smaller urban groups that ebb and flow with the changing of the moon (the inconstant moon). but the problem i've found with trying to assimilate into one of these groups is that someone is always bound to not like me and i'm always bound to not like someone. or more than someone. someones.

i probably think about this too much. what about the people who want to be my friend that i don't really bother investing in? i'm no different from anyone of the people i identify as someone i'd like to invest in and they don't see me the same. complicated and yet so cut and dry. why would you want to invest in someone who doesn't want to invest in you. that's like trying to date someone who doesn't want to date you. doesn't work.

and i do think we give up on friendships too early; i think we meet new people who we think we like better and just phase old friends out as we phase new ones in, and (in a general statement to suit this argument) we're so inconstant with who we are these days that our group and/or close friends need to constantly change to fit our changing personalities. what happened to getting to know someone and loving them no matter who they grew up to be?

maybe it's all a product of society and the way we live these days: cars cars cars schedules schedules schedules we're never just...slow...anymore. sometimes i feel like i'm racing through life at breakneck speed and im still not going fast enough. i mean, you can win the rat race but you're still just a rat. i want to live! and i want to love! and i want to do so genuinely and without judgment...God, that is the absolute desire of my heart. To live and love without judgment. How beautiful does that sound? I get chills just listening to it bounce around in my head.

To live and to love without judgment.

deeps breaths.
slow down.
suck the very marrow out of life.

Live. Live and Love. Without judgment.

it makes me smile. and gives me hope. especially for myself.